You know what I’m getting really fucking tired of in video games? Silent protagonists! Yeah, having those makes sense in first person shooters like Call of Duty where you’ll always have at least two voices shouting at you at the same time to stop being a lazy ass and go commit more heinous war crimes so adding another voice would only make matters more confusing. But otherwise it just makes you look like an asshole who barges into other people’s houses, smashes their pottery, and climbs their furniture while the residents just watch you with blank stares. It’s even weirder when the silent protagonist has a name and an existing reputation with other characters in the game’s world because he must have spoken at some point to introduce himself, unless he constantly wears his name emblazoned on his chest.
Anyway, Ocarina of Time 3D is the Nintendo 3DS remake of Nintendo 64’s version of Ocarina of Time. Herp derp. And brace yourself because this may rock your world coming from an avid gamer like myself but I’ve never played the original Ocarina of Time from start to finish. So I guess I find myself in the same position as a movie critic who has never seen Citizen Kane from start to finish (which I haven’t at all). It’s one of the best games ever and a significant part of gaming history, or at least that’s what everyone who has ever owned a Nintendo 64 tells me with nostalgia quivering gelatinously in their eyes.
So what exactly does the 3DS add to the original game? Well if you’ve ever played a 3DS game, the answer is either fuck all or migraine. There really isn’t a whole lot other than a texture update and smudges all over my inventory screen. BUT WHO GIVES A FUCK, IT’S NOSTALGIA!
So anyway, I started playing the game and like a juvenile nine year old that learned his first swear word I wanted to name Link something that would add immature humor to the dialogue so I named him “Fuck me” which seems to be the subtext of every conversation he has with every female character anyway. And I use the term “conversation” generously. Okay it got nonsensical at times, but it also added a certain emphasis to certain moments, like when I walked into the ice caverns and my annoying little fairy friend said “Fuck me, it’s cold in here!”
Anyway, it soon became clear that Ocarina of Time’s plot really doesn’t concern itself with explaining too much. While later Zelda games would take up your entire weekend establishing shit (I’m looking at YOU, Twilight Princess), Ocarina of Time hits the ground running from the beginning and starts when a big tree calls your ass over and says “Hey, guess who’s going out to save the kingdom? Here’s a hint: it’s the only person in this room who isn’t rooted to the fucking floor!” But then later on you find the Master Sword and it suddenly becomes all like “What!? Who told you that you were old enough for this? Go and sit in the corner for about seven fucking years.”
There isn’t really much to say about this game’s plot. People go on about how this game is a crystal clear example of The Hero’s Journey that movies such as Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope are known for. But the journey of this hero doesn’t have much of The Hero’s Journey about it because the second stage of that is The Refusal of the Call and, going back to what I said earlier about silent protagonists, Link doesn’t seem capable of refusing anything, or indeed understanding any concept more complex than hitting things with various kinds of stick. I know he’s supposed to be some kind of blank shell onto which we can project our pathetic, aging bodies and get blue-balled on two levels of reality at once, but he managed to have a degree of personality in later games like Wind Waker though not so much Twilight Princess. As I continued playing this game, it became horrifyingly apparent that Twilight Princess is basically the same game as this but with a bigger budget and more cyber fur.
The actual combat and dungeons are all rather straightforward. I remember the times when I would a lot of people talk up the water dungeon as some legendary bane of childhoods, but I breezed through on a single BART ride. Not even one to the airport, just a trip between Pittsburg and Daly City and I spent the first half-hour of it sleeping. Check the rooms you haven’t been to yet, guys. It’s not exactly rocket science. And yes, I am saying I’m smarter than you were when you were twelve. Even the final boss fight gave me no trouble at all, except when that fairy started going on and on about something and wouldn’t let me target the giant pig monster one foot away that was the only living thing in the room and get busy with two swords that would make even a fairy boner from her wildest fantasies go floppy and flaccid in shame.
Nintendo, you have shot yourselves in the foot. With Nintendo 64 technology being emulatable on simply dried leaves and a twig these days, Nintendo was damn near close to having an entire generation of gamers be oblivious to Ocarina of Time and be mind blown by Skyward Sword. Look at me. Even I thought Twilight Princess was pretty decent if not way too goddamn easy but now my opinion of the game has worsened now that I know it was working from a cheat sheet. It’s like going to the science fair and seeing Billy win first prize for a science project that his mother made for him. And not only did Nintendo reveal their cheat sheet but they went so far as to publish it and shove it into our faces with their cutting edge technology. They’re saluting Michelle Obama with one hand and groping her tits with the other.
Matt Smith and David Tennant Behind the Scenes of the Doctor Who 50th Anniversary Special!
Here it is. Matt and David discuss life as The Doctor!
Thanks to everyone who worked really hard to keep the secret a secret this past week.
Reminder: the Doctor Who 50th Anniversary Special is set to air November 23, 2013 — the anniversary of the first broadcast of Doctor Who ever.